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Kids tough question
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.
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Adults have learned
Great truths about life that adults have learned
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I‘m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don‘t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
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We have new babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
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Naming your child
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
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Go to the hospital
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you‘re the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
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Guests for dinner
The following is a true story.
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn‘t stop sucking his thumb, he‘d get fat.
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Delivering a baby
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
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Grocery shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don‘t be upset. It won‘t be long."
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Three very tough mice
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I‘m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I‘m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
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A good chess player
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.He watched the game in astonishment for a while."I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed."That‘s the smartest dog I‘ve ever seen."
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Steven Wright on dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.Some people are afraid of heights.Not me, I‘m afraid of widths.
I had a dog once.I spilled spot remover on him, and now he‘s gone.
I put contact lenses in my dog‘s eyes.They had little pictures of cats on them.Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Worries about mad cow disease
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary.They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
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The story of the bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.One says, "Let‘s fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."
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Never talk to the parrot
Mrs. peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn‘t accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I‘ll leave the key under the mat.Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I‘ll mail you a check.By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won‘t bother you.I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
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He is a very smart dog
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog.It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type.In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off.This happened all the way through the film.After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
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A game of animal football
The animals were bored.Finally, the lion had an idea."I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football.I‘ve seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
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A cat’s dictionary
purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
purrverse: poem about a strange kitty.
purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
purrpetual:Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
purrson: A male kitty.
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